oh yeah, and this is my dream log.
I went out to dinner with someone a couple of weeks ago (LONG story, was supposed to be a group dinner but it ended up just being me & a strange man) and I told him I blogged about feminism and politics, and he went off on me. He told me feelings were bullshit and women just wanted special privileges, and then he said, “Women don’t give men enough credit for not being violent psychopaths. That’s what we are, deep down. We want to rape and pillage, and we don’t, and women don’t give us enough credit for that.” I burst into tears. That shit was terrifying.
this especially resonates with me because i dated a guy with… similar views. he told me multiple times about how he just wanted to break and destroy things and he puts forth a great amount of effort daily to suppress these urges. when talking about politics, he told me that women shouldn’t have any rights or power because women don’t understand politics and get in the way and he implied that a woman’s only “use” was procreating and raising sons. the fucking creepiest thing he ever told me was that he wished life were like it was centuries ago, and he wished he could be the ruler of an area because he would repeatedly impregnate every woman he ruled and with the sons they bore (because any daughters are OBVIOUSLY useless), he would build an army.
(singing along to luvumba):
“tu eres ciego
yo soy fuego
vamos a ver quien se va a quemar”
AHHH OH MY GOD MY RIGHT LEG IS ASLEEP IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT FUCKING HURTS SO GODDAMN BAD TO MOVE AHH OHMYGOD I’M DYING AH AL;DFKJA;FLKAJDF;LAKF
i really hate looking back at old things and remembering my friends the way they used to be
before all the drugs
before all the bad girlfriends/boyfriends
i fucking miss milly so goddamn much it’s not even funny. it’s not fair that he went off to ohio. i wish i could go back in time and convince him to stay but i wasn’t around. literally. i went away to college. i know that if i would’ve told him not to go, he wouldn’t have. hell, he almost moved in with me. i’d like to believe he’d be in a much better place in his life now if he would’ve moved in with me but the “coulda” nostalgia game is a dangerous one to play…
it fucking hurts to look at old pictures of my ex and remember who he use to be. he’s not the same person i dated. it breaks my fucking heart to know this. he was such an amazing person and the world was his. it’s not fair.
it fucking hurts to come home and hang out with “the crew” only to find that they’ve literally frozen themselves in time. they still abuse their bodies with drugs and partying like we did in high school, except now they have children they neglect, or they’re STILL unemployed and living with their parents and literally doing nothing with their lives except getting fucked up.
i miss you guys. i miss the past. life was so simple when we were young.